When you first break up with someone you love, you have this temporary invincibility phase. Your friends all high five you, you feel like things are going to be fucking amazing. THE BITCH IS GONE!
Well, it doesn’t last very long. This image sums it up pretty much exactly:
I had never really experienced heartbreak from love in my life. The divorce was different, I was young and stupid. My marriage started because I was desperate to have a relationship and be with someone, but LK and I were clearly not compatible. I had stuck it out because of the responsibility I felt. Leaving my kids was a different kind of anguish.
But this hurt. BADLY.
Your friends are there at first, but once that dies down, you find yourself alone. So very alone. You face the reality of dealing with the pain. It hurt too much, I couldn’t bear it. My place was full of things that reminded me of her. So I went out. I drank, every night. It was my coping mechanism. I would get off work, find some people to go drinking, then drink. I’d drive home drunk, “fertilize” my neighbors lawn, then pass out. Repeat. Every day, except the weekends when I had my kids. You can see my IG during this time. Here are a few actual photos from my IG from that phase (these were mostly weeknights):
I had some fun times too. Entire text conversations I didn’t remember. Phone calls I didn’t remember. I was like a clown, I would entertain others but cry on the inside. I hid my pain really well. Most people thought I was doing fine. I wasn’t. I fertilized quite a few lawns in my neighborhood.
I would cry randomly when I was alone.
Driving.
Showering.
In the middle of the night.
I remember traveling to Seattle for a vendor event in August. It was tough. LC and I had actually planned to go to Seattle together. We cancelled last minute because she didn’t feel like going. On the plane ride back, I saw some female flight attendants, and I almost lost my shit. I was on the verge of bursting into tears. I missed her. I thought to myself, I had never got the chance to see her at work. We never flew anywhere together. Even though she hurt me so badly, I still loved her. It was hard. I tried reaching out to her afterwards, she ignored me. I finally came to realize it was over. I cried almost every night during that time.
Side note: Not everyone has that friend, the one who can console you through the tough times. Someone you can cry in front of. If you do, please take a minute to appreciate that person. You don’t know how important they are, I wish I had one in my life.
My Birthday
It was October, I was still spiraling downwards. I decided to have a joint birthday party with a friend/co-worker. Big mistake, this guy was not human and could drink more than any human should. We held it at a local dive bar. I was a mess internally, dealing with the loneliness and the pain I was trying to mask. I invited some people and ended up getting shitfaced. I had tried to protect myself that night, I asked SK and her husband to take me home. SK would be leaving not too late, so that was my safety valve.
Never underestimate a drunken moron.
At the bar, I was making out and groping a former female co-worker. I was drunk, horny and lonely all at once.
SK had pulled me out of the bar, I vaguely remember being dropped off. Then throwing up on the neighbors lawn, as usual. Then a series of texts and phone calls happened, and the female appeared at my place.
I won’t divulge what occurred, but I woke up completely confused and ashamed. Once I processed what had happened, I couldn’t believe it. I ran into my bathroom and just sat on the floor. I felt like a criminal. I hated myself for what I had done. The immense disappointment I felt, I finally hit rock bottom in terms of morals and principles. I was a sad, pathetic pile of shit.
I awkwardly drove her home in the morning, then later texted her an apology. She was understanding and seemed to be totally ok with it all. Whether that’s true or not, I don’t know.
In about a three-month span, I did things I am not proud of. I consider myself to be mentally strong. I usually meet challenges head on. I’m also super competitive. When people tell me I can’t do something, it drives me even more to do it. I’ve endured some shit up to this point, as you’ve seen. One of my previous jobs required me to think on my feet at all times. I catered to some of the richest folks in the world, and they can be pretty demanding on a whim.
For the first time in my life, I seriously contemplated suicide and death. I remember sitting on my shower floor, watching the water run down the drain. Just wanting the pain to end. The memories, the hurt, the suffering. Sure, it sounds overly dramatic, but I’m not afraid to be completely honest. Some of the nights, when I was driving home drunk I wished I would crash and just die. I’m not afraid to admit that I was in a very dark, unfamiliar place.
It wasn’t fair, because we made so many memories over the years, all over this town. I couldn’t go out to eat without seeing places we went to. Too many things triggered memories all over Los Angeles.
I wondered what it felt like, to just stop existing. Never take another breath. Disintegrate into dust. Would anyone miss me? I wondered who would come to my funeral. I saw so many familiar faces. I missed my friends and I needed them so badly.
Thinking of my kids was what stopped me. They still needed me. I decided I needed to change my outlook. I said to myself, if I live a life full of pain and suffering, maybe it’s karma and they can live lives without these things. I would take it head on, dump the shit on me if it means they can have easier lives. To this day, I still have this outlook and it helps me deal with the shit that gets thrown at me.
I made lots of new friends during this period that I am very thankful for. One of which was the other Korean, SY. She ended up becoming my best female friend and told me the things I needed to hear, not wanted to hear. She would also tell me about her relationship, and I learned from my own experiences that I would never give relationship advice again. It’s too easy to be an outside person and make simple decisions. There is usually much more depth and context to relationship problems that you will never know unless you lived it. I would always tell her to try and talk to her boyfriend about it, work it out. I saw a lot of similar issues they had that I had. Lots of it stems from just mis-communication, guys and girls think very differently. Neither is wrong, it’s just that each have different priorities without knowing the other’s. I learned a lot from them.
Shoutout to my boy, TJ who wrote and sings on this song that never made it big, but totally should have. It sums perfectly up how I felt, I think I listened to this song 100 times:
Looking back, this is where I need to say something about our culture and pop culture. There is such a lack of role models in our society nowadays. The people who deserve to be held up and praised for being amazing people often go by the wayside for no talent ass clowns like the reality TV trash. I don’t want my daughter to grow up looking up to some attention whores that have no real talent other than being pretty, being born rich and/or making a sex tape. Sorry, just stating the facts.
A man who recently passed and was one of these people was Stuart Scott. Some of you might have no idea who he is, but he was a pioneer in sports journalism. Stuart fought cancer multiple times. He was a loving father, and a great man. Now, I don’t know him personally, nor have I ever met him. But when someone passes away, leaving an entire community of established people in that industry to mourn this man, you know he was a great man. Yet, his story and many like his go unnoticed.
I really connected with him because I grew up watching him on SportsCenter. Even in his later days, you couldn’t tell what he was battling. He showed up for work and was Stu, every show. His passing was a shock to me because I had no idea he was even having issues, he hid it so well. I was, and will always be, inspired by this man’s strength to endure and to fight.
If you don’t know who he is, and never saw him speak at the ESPYs, please take the time here, it’s worth watching:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yl_0ieqSi7Q
What I went through might be trivial to what Stu, or some of you, are going through right now.
My hope is that you realize, everyone is fighting. Every day. Every person has his/her own problems, his/her own shit that they are going through. Kids are fighting cancer, for their lives, right this moment. Some people are better at hiding it than others. So try and be a positive influence in the world. Pay it forward, try to be kind to someone each day. You never know who you might help or make a difference to.
I would finally start to recover months later. Then everything would be ruined again.
mylifeisakoreandrama 
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