While I was doing my wing man duties, I had to deal with my ex wife. She cut me off from seeing my kids. I hadn’t seen them in a couple of months. She told them I abandoned them, that I didn’t love them anymore. My daughter was so hurt, she hated me for a period of time. I cannot describe the pain I felt when I learned about all this. We were so close, I raised her for most of her life. Now she hated me. I spent many nights crying about this when no one was around. It’s not easy to have a life just crumble around you in such a short time. Everything you worked so hard to build, just taken away in a second. I wanted to fight for custody, I didn’t want to leave them with that succubus. But i had no means to care for them, not yet. They needed to be safe and still have their lives.
I wasn’t used to being alone, nor am I now. I was used to juggling so much that once I had nothing but free time, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I watched a lot of HBO. 500 Days of Summer and Scott Pilgrim were on alot then. I watched both probably 50 times.
I tried to talk to my kids when I could. I would try to call, but they didn’t want to talk to me at first. I had no money to offer at the time. I could barely pay my cell phone bill, let alone take them out to eat.
After months of trying to find a job without success, I ended up doing background acting work. It was shitty pay, but they feed you and you make some money. I used an agency and they would book me gigs. I was pretty popular I guess, they didn’t have trouble booking me gigs. I would do 3-5 a week, TV shows, movies, etc. The strange thing though, I was ALWAYS the only asian male on set. The only time I wasn’t was when it was set in China or Japan. Lol. I would only see 2-3 asian females on sets as well. Yay, token asian guy. I also had to borrow my friends clothes for these, they would ask you to bring different outfits. You can see me in all of my buddies’ clothes in these. Lol.
My very first gig was a Disney show, “Kickin’ It”. It was set in Chinatown or something, so it was all asians. I was like 2 feet taller than everyone in that place. I was nervous, they don’t give you instructions sometimes. So you just wing it. I learned fast that you just pretend to talk and do shit with whatever is around you.
Other gigs I remember:
- I was on some pilot on fox, set in Japan. I think Keifer Sutherland was the lead, “Touch.”
- This was shot at LA Live, we literally walked in circles for freaking hours in the middle of the night. I ran into some of the same asians from Kickin It. We became facebook friends, and still are today.
- I worked on “House of Lies”, you can actually catch my face in season 1. I was on that show a couple of times in different spots.
- I was on some pilot show with Kevin Dillon and another guy, “How to be a Gentleman”
- I was on the set of This is 40, I stood next to Leslie Mann in a quick scene. I don’t know if it’s in the movie or not.
- I was on Think Like a Man, Kevin Hart was a cool dude and so was Romany Malco. He would chat with us and shake our hands during breaks, very down to earth.
- Here I met this cute blonde girl who worked at the location we were shooting at. A restaurant in Culver City area. We chatted a bit during breaks, then we went to lunch together. I got to know her a bit, and asked for her number. She was relatively new to the city from Louisiana, I think. She gave me her number, but we never ended up going out. She was the first to give me her number and not go out with me, but definitely not the last.
- How I Met Your Mother
One guy, I never got his name, but he helped me and I won’t forget him. He was a SAG accredited background guy, we were on the set of “Think Like a Man”. He told me that I could qualify for unemployment now that I was working part time. I was elated. I quickly applied, and was approved for the max. FINALLY, something went my way.
Once I got approved, I told my ex wife I would give her half of what I got to help support the kids. She never had a problem taking my money, but when I asked for help or to see the kids, she wouldn’t lift a finger. It wasn’t much, but it was all I could offer.
Anxiety, Kids and Pain as a Father
She finally let me see my kids during the background acting phase. This photo of my son was taken the first time I got to see them again since I was kicked out:
I cry every time I see this photo.
You can see the uneasiness in my son’s face, he was maybe 3 at this time and I could tell he didn’t know why I was gone. It reminds me of the pain that I put on my kids, that’s what hurts the most. My daughter was so strong, she was pretending to be happy to see me. She did it for her brother. She takes such good care of him, I feel like she aged 10 years mentally during this period. I often times think I robbed her of her childhood years.
I was still broke, we would do things that were free. We would go to the mall, the park, the library. One of my daughter’s favorite things was to go to Rite Aid and read greeting cards. We would laugh and look at funny ones. I would take them to places like El Pollo Loco and let them eat. I would only eat if I could afford it. I just wanted to see them and let them know I was still there. I didn’t abandon them.
The guilt I carry is so heavy. Part of the reason I am doing this blog is for the kids one day to understand what happened then. I want them to know it was the hardest part of my life, but I fought on for them, I loved them that much. I’ve edited this post probably 20 times, and each time it still brings me to tears.
My daughter drew me this when I started seeing them more:
You can see my daughter understood that I loved them, the two small hearts are her and her brother. They are happy. I’m the big heart, crying.
There were so many times I wanted to tell them about their mom. About what she did to me. Why we ended up this way. But as a father, I feel this is my burden to bear. They need stability in their lives and they need to feel like their home is just that, home. I feel that telling them these things would be selfish, it would be me putting my relationship with my kids before the actual well being of my kids. I decided to take the high road after suggestions from people who have went through unpleasant divorces. Many people said, one day when they reach their teens they will know on their own. I hope they do.
Throughout the separation period my ex wife would ask my daughter to spy on me. She would have her report back what I was doing and who I was seeing. I never asked her about what her mom was doing. I wanted our time to be about us and nothing else. To this day I have never asked her anything about her mother. It’s not fair to my daughter.
Once I got a real job, I got my daughter an iphone. I thought it would help our relationship and we could text and talk more. But I’d learn later that her mother monitored it, and that would discourage her from saying too much to me.
Bullying
It was July 4th, 2012. I sometimes would get texts from my daughter randomly. She sent me a text saying she made a new video on youtube. She told me to watch, but don’t watch a video named after a girl. I agreed. I went on to youtube and was looking for the video she told me to watch. As I glanced over the one she told me not to watch, the description caught my eye. It vaguely mentioned that she would be leaving the school and never see her again. I watched the video.
I never felt more angry in my life. My daughter was being bullied in school by a group of girls. I immediately called the ex wife. She nonchalantly told me, “yeah, something happened at school. I changed schools.” I was furious. WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME??? I wanted to go to her school right then and there and punch everyone of those girls’ fathers in the fucking throat. I wanted to set that place on fire. I told my daughter I wanted to see her right away, we agreed to lunch. I tried to get her to tell me what happened, she refused. I felt like such a failure. My daughter was going through this alone, and I didn’t even know it was happening. What kind of father was I?
Current Bullshit
My ex wife on the other hand, has no regard for what’s best for the kids. She is required by our agreement to notify me in reasonably advance notice if she intends to keep the kids on weekends. She doesn’t. She will call me the morning of and give me attitude.
She refuses to pick up or drop off the kids. I have to make both trips. I tried to play hardball on this one time, I said she needs to pick up the kids. It’s not fair that I have to do all the driving. She refused. I stood my ground, I told her I’m picking them up then you pick them up Sunday night.
The following morning when I went to pick the kids up, my daughter was frantic. She asked me, “If we go with you, are we never coming back?” I was incredulous. My ex wife told the kids that if they went with me, I wouldn’t ever bring them back. I gave in and said I would bring them back.
How do you fight that? A person that doesn’t have any regard for her own children’s psyche? How can the State of California not help single fathers in these situations? My ex wife shouldn’t even be in charge of other people’s lives with her condition. It’s beyond frustrating that I can’t do anything.
People tell me, “stop paying”. That doesn’t work, because I still owe it whether I pay or not.
“Get a lawyer”. And fight a legal battle that I’m at a disadvantage in? The chances of winning are slim for me.
There aren’t many options for me. I’m even paying her more than what I agreed upon because I was honest and told her I got pay raises. She still tries to suck more money out of me whenever she can. She once sent me an itemized list of activities the kids are doing and what I owe her.
Uh, bitch, that’s why I pay you child support.
By the way, shes driving in a brand new 5 series BMW and living at her mom’s house. The house is paid off, but she is paying “rent”. Believable?
You would think that after all of this, the next woman couldn’t be worse….right? Never say never.
mylifeisakoreandrama 