THE WORST

During my relationship with the Ex Gf, I took a job with a well known e-tail company.

I had to write about them, it was by far the most idiotic and incompetent bunch of people I ever encountered in my life. I cannot adequately put into words the infinite amount of stupidity that resided here. It reminded me of that old Career Builder commercial where the guy is working with, literally, a bunch of monkeys. I wished I were that lucky, at least monkeys can learn.

These foreigners, could not.

This scene is actually true. They would find ways to make reports show positive results.

Year over year numbers down? How about we look at MINUTE OVER MINUTE instead?!!!!! GENIUS!

The company was completely Asian. When I was younger I had purchased from them. I never knew they were an Asian company. I had never worked for non American companies before. They treated it like a communist nation, and expected people to lay down their lives for shit pay and terrible working environments. I actually made LESS money when I left than when I started. Mind boggling.

When I started, the department I was in was actually good. It was run by a smart woman who was friends with my cousin. She was what you wanted in a leader, took the bullshit head on and protected her team, unequivocally.

But the Asians love politics. There was a constant power struggle and lots of shady dealings lining employee pockets (including senior management and maybe even the CEO, who knows). I likened it to Game of Thrones. I was John Snow, and our side was the Starks. We were all pushed out until it was all Lannisters left. I survived as an outcast, bouncing from team to team.

Just imagine working with people who consistently choose the worst possible option, every time. I feel like all those Career Builder commercials were based on actual events that occurred at this place.

I began telling my co-workers these phrases on a daily basis:

“You cannot apply logic to people who have none.”

“Respect is earned, not given.”

“ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?” (This got me reported to HR, at least once.)

To new employees I would say: “Two things are going to happen to you here. You will hate Chinese people and your english will get worse.”

It was true. My English actually deteriorated while working there, even though their handbook states that English is the primary language. I also hated Chinese people even more than before I started working there.

I recall when I first started, sitting in this meeting watching this American account rep try to decipher what was being said. Even I wasn’t sure sometimes if people were speaking English or Chinese or both. The horror in that person’s eyes was priceless. After the meeting, I pulled the rep aside and said simply: “Don’t worry, I didn’t understand a word they said either.” We had a good laugh and that rep turned out to be a good friend of mine to this day.

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The People

The only thing that kept you sane were some of the great people who passed through that company. I did make a lot of friends there, and they were the only reason we were able to stay sane. We banded together like endangered animals hoping someone would save us. We looked like those dogs you see in those animal abuse commercials. Our eyeballs screaming GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, HELP!!@#@#@@!!

They didn’t value smart employees, they valued robots. They wanted you to shut up and do what they say. Don’t ask questions, don’t challenge their stupid ideas, just do. Sorry, I’m outspoken and AMERICAN. #MURICA

Needless to say, I was quite popular among my colleagues, not so much with management. I was threatened to be fired because they “didn’t like me.” That literally was what one of the senior managers told me to my face.

You can find hundreds of reviews on GlassDoor for this company that echo the same sentiments. That place changes people, it makes you into a terrible person. Take a look at some of the reviews, it’s pretty sad and entertaining at the same time. Words cannot describe what it was like to work there. The amount of negativity and stress that management puts on you is crazy.

I can speak from experience, when you work there something comes over you. A combination of fear, negativity, anxiety and stress create the perfect storm of emotions to change good people into monsters. After I left that company, it was like the spirit of life returned to my being. People who I used to be at odds with suddenly were friendly and cool. Every person I have seen leave that company has experienced an exponential increase in their happiness. This is not exaggeration, if anything, it’s an understatement.

The account reps from the various companies were usually very good people too. Often times they were empathetic to our situations and would take us to lunch every week. Those were the times we could get away from the craziness of the office.

The survivors of this horrible place have a facebook group that ex-employees get to join. Many of us still keep up with the crazy rumors and idiotic ideas that come from these people. It’s pretty entertaining now that we are free from their tyranny.

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Smart and Efficient…or not.

I recall one particular incident where my boss put me in charge of placing products on the homepage in a specific section. She wanted new and cutting edge items. As a reasonably intelligent person, I talked to different people in the company and found that there was already an algorithm designed for this purpose we could implement in an instant. I presented this info to my boss; we could make it automated and just manually adjust as needed.

She replied, “No, do the entire thing manually.”

As in, send out 100 emails every week asking people to submit items into a portal then sort the portal, then screen it, check it for inventory, price check it, then submit it to be posted. She was baffled that I wasn’t honored and grateful for this wonderful opportunity. Here is the actual email I sent to her in response to her saying I did a poor job (I saved this in the event they tried to fire me for some bullshit, I also copied HR):

This is just a tiny glimpse into their decision making and thought processes. Take this same kind of logic and amplify it 1000x to get an idea of just how insane it was to work there.

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Ninja Shitters

The best were ninja shitters. In China, they shit in holes at ground level. When they come here, rather than sit like a civilized person on a toilet, they actually squat on top of the freaking toilet. Like fucking ninjas or something.

Now, as a culture, we are supposed to be good at math right? So how can you not make the conclusion that a toilet is shaped in a way that is for sitting?

When you walk into the restroom and you need to use a stall, normally you look underneath for feet. Feet in a stall signifies that someone is indeed in the stall. Many times I would see no feet, then try the door to find it locked. At first I couldn’t compute what was happening. It wasn’t until I saw footprints on the toilet seat that it dawned on me.

FUCKING NINJA SHITTERS!!

I would hear even worse stories about the women’s restroom. Blood and shit all over the toilet seats.

Disgusting. (Did I mention I hate Chinese people? Just checking.)

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The “Company” Picnic

A few years back they decided to throw an annual picnic for the employees. On paper, you might think this was a morale building event. Meant to appreciate the staff and give them a day of fun.

The part you don’t know is, the company didn’t want to pay for any of it. They decided, this could be a method to sell more ad revenue to partners. Now, I understand this might be workable if you asked your partners to chip in and help with the event.

I don’t agree when you try to fleece them into paying for the entire thing.

Some of the stupidest things management asked us to do was to sell a “ride” to a sponsor. Imagine yourself sitting down with someone from a fortune 500 company’s account rep. Your pitch: YOU COULD SPONSOR THIS FERRIS WHEEL FOR 20k!

It was beyond embarrassing. I refused to do it, just for the sake of my own reputation.

On top of that, the prizes they gave away in the raffles and such sometimes were refurbished or returned goods that didn’t even work.

Needless to say, I never attended any of the picnics.

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An Anomaly

How that company stayed in business is sort of an anomaly. I think when you get to a certain size, it becomes a machine. You might change the cogs out here and there, but overall it continues to run so long as you feed it. What is even more impressive is that the current management, somehow managed to ruin the machine. They already had 2 major layoffs this year and it’s not even over yet.

But as any reasonably intelligent human being, ask yourself these questions:

• When your turnover rate is greater than 50%, wouldn’t you think that’s kind of a problem?
• When you hire people off the street with no experience to run a business worth billions, plural, don’t you think there might be a problem?
• When you import employees from China, who work in much poorer conditions, and they choose to go BACK to that instead, wouldn’t you think there is a problem?

I did speak to the owner before I left that company. I threw all the idiots under the short bus. But he had no choice, he either was in on it all or he didn’t have anyone else to trust. It was like seeing a dad who knows his kids are total fuck ups, but what can he do? They are his kids.

I take great pleasure in seeing it crumble, as they squander the resources and make stupid decisions, it’s awesome and gratifying to see it burn to the ground. Like watching rats trying to escape a sinking ship.

They would assign you revenue goals without any basis or understanding of basic business principles. Chinese people feel, if you are able to do 20% growth, then why not infinite growth? Why stop at 20%? In the event you actually did hit the goal, they would just raise it again. It’s like jumping on a trampoline trying to grab a carrot that’s attached to you. No matter how high you jump, you never reach it. Eventually you give up and stop jumping at all.

Some of our favorite fob catchphrases spoken from the great and wise managers there:

SKY IS THE LIMIT!

I DON’T CARE, MAKE IT HAPPEN

OWN YOUR CHANNER (not kidding)

PUSH HARDER

BE STRONG FROM WITHIN AND WITHOUT

Pretty inspiring right?

Makes you want to punch yourself in the balls and eat broken glass like they were pop rocks.

The amount of stupidity that was organically generated here is boundless content for a certain company that sells things from A to Z and is looking for an original content series. (WINK WINK).

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Special Thanks 

There were tons of people that helped me and taught me some things along the way, I can’t thank them all because it would take too long. Here are some of them:

JD: My brother, taught me a lot about technology trends and marketing. Even though he has a love for Tom Brady that is borderline inappropriate, I love this dude like a brother.

We worked together for a short time but we kicked ass. He ended up buying me a foam Hulk fist so I could bash my desk and not break things. I passed it on to my successor when I left. I asked that he do the same to create a tradition. It sort of became a good luck charm, people who possessed it after me found new jobs.

TH: My bff at work, we used to have lunch together every day. Her family pretty much adopted me as their best Asian friend, great people. I still see her and we have fun drunk calls with each other.

SK: We ended up becoming good friends. Her and her husband are the nicest people. Very generous and friendly. We still meet for dinner now and then and exchange company info and rumors.

Major CPU company folks for taking care of me as best they could: BC, DM, TS – thank you guys.

SY: Helping me stay sane through all the Ex Gf bullshit and giving me the tough love when I needed it. Thankful to have met you and LB, great people.

MKT guys: You guys in our group chat, miss seeing some of you everyday and shooting the shit. Glad most of you have escaped and are doing better things.

D Nizzle: One of my favorite reps, we still keep in touch and get together when we can. Great guy and a hustler. We did a lot of great things together, “Moved a lot of boxes” as we used to say.

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Next chapter might be the last. It’s been a struggle for me to keep writing this since I’m not an especially good or strong writer. My situation hasn’t changed all that much other than continued frustrations with dating that many other people are going through. We’ll see I guess….